Reading News for You: - NORTH KOREA OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER AFTER MIKE PENCE ANGRILY SQUINTS AT IT
Monday, April 17, 2017
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| U.S. Vice President Mike Pence (PHOTOGRAPH BY LEE JIN-MAN / AP) |
NORTH KOREA OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER AFTER MIKE PENCE
ANGRILY SQUINTS AT IT
By Andy Borowitz
April 17, 2017
borowitz-pence-north-korea
PHOTOGRAPH BY LEE JIN-MAN / AP
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In a major foreign-policy
coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea offered to unconditionally
abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after Mike Pence spent several minutes
angrily squinting at the nation from just across the border.
Warning North Korea that the United States had jettisoned
its policy of “strategic patience” and that “all options were on the table,”
Pence fixed his steely glare on the isolated Communist nation and began
furiously staring it down.
After Pence spent between five and six minutes demonstrating
U.S. resolve by squinting indignantly, the government in Pyongyang released a
statement indicating that North Korea’s nuclear ambitions were a thing of the
past.
“We will henceforth abandon our nuclear program and
dismantle all existing nuclear facilities,” read the official statement from
North Korean President Kim Jong-un. “In exchange, we request that Mike Pence
stop giving us that really mean look.”
Moments after the North Korean statement, Pence ordered his
facial muscles to stand down, and the Vice-President’s face assumed a peacetime
footing.
At the White House, press secretary Sean Spicer said that
the successful U.S. action in North Korea should “send a strong message to
barbaric dictators around the world that the United States stands ready to use
the full force and fury of Mike Pence’s angry face.”
Spicer said that, after leaving North Korea, Pence was
dispatched to Mosul, Iraq, where he is scheduled to spend several minutes
angrily squinting at isis.
oOo
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